Look at this list and identify which 7 defense strategies are your top most likely to use when you are feeling “attacked” or “challenged”. If you can’t find any, check out #3 and #8.... ;)
- Having no Sense of Humor
- Taking offense - being “affronted”
- Confusion or “playing dumb” (whaaaat??)
- Needing to Always be Right and/or Have the “Last Word”
- Teaching/Preaching/Rationalizing/Intellectualizing
- Being a Victim
- Too Rigid - Not open to others ideas
- Denial (what problem??)
- Withdrawing into silence (hit “delete” and ignore it)
- Sarcasm/Making Fun Of or Highly Critical of Others
- It’s “just the way I am”
- Withdrawal from Negotiation (well then... I just won’t play!)
- Blaming Others (well if THEY hadn’t X…)
- Sudden Onset of Illness or Fatigue
- Crazy-ness (“temporary insanity”)
- Being too “nice”
- Only hearing what I want to (la-la-la-la, I can’t hear you....)
- Counterattack
- Trivializing with humor – making light of
- Inappropriate laughter or nervous giggles
- Pretending not to care (didn’t want it anyway)
- I’m already aware of that
- Self-depreciation (belittling or undervaluing oneself)
When you have your 7... Take it down to JUST THREE – this may take a few minutes but you can do it.
Now consider these questions:
- How is this working for you now? (lots of chuckles, right??)
- What’s “up” for you when you use these strategies?
- Think of a situation you used your current strategies, and ask yourself: How could you have responded instead?
Keys to helping with this exercise
• Defense strategies (read: reactions) are always 100% about US and never about others.
• Each of these strategies push us AWAY from others and NEVER solve the problem.
• 85% of what we perceive are PROJECTIONS not based on reality? So, what are WE projecting when we get defensive?
What’s “up” for you almost always boils down to a FEAR of something…. I’m not good enough. Rejection. Physical or mental pain. The Past. The Future. Etc.
We have to face the fact that at some level, we believe the other person has a valid point, or we wouldn’t be reacting that way. -- Think about it... If someone said you were Blue, would you believe you were actually Blue? Or would you be CURIOUS about why they thought that? Did they have some odd contact lens in?? Had blue spray paint settled on you without you knowing? Did your make-up change color? You’d be CURIOUS --- But you wouldn’t be OFFENDED if it was something absolutely not true, would you?
The fact is we ARE Stronger and can DO MORE than we give ourselves credit for. You DO make it through things you thought you might not.
Being aware of your own PERSONAL STRENGTH can give you the tools to avoid reactions that push others away. And being aware also gives you the CHOICE to Ask More Questions instead of “reacting”.
By simply NOTICING the behaviors, you give yourself a precious second to choose another way. Asking yourself: “How can I see this situation differently?” will make all the difference in discovering MORE of reality and stop that snowball rolling out of control. ALLOW YOURSELF to BECOME CURIOUS.
Think in terms of “Tell me More”... “What is behind what they just said/did?”....”I wonder why they said that/acted that way”.... “That’s interesting”….
Remember... If someone is being aggressive or defensive with YOU, THEY too are acting from some FEAR.
---Edited and adapted from Foster and Hicks’ How We Choose to be Happy and Luyet’s List of Defenses
